New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
