we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
