just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
