I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize