If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
