I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
