Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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