my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
