That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
