He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
