I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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