I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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