You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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