Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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