I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
