Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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