I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
