I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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