Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
