i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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