I think I won the penis lottery.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
