She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
