In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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