There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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