just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
