can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
