I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
