On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
