we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
