considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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