Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
