if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
