I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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