I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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