I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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