So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
third nipple confirmed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
