i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Even my vagina gasped.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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