I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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