walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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