the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
