Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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