tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
