i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
