Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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