oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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