I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
