i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Randomize
