I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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