words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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