just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How external is "for external use only"?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
