It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
