1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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