About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
