also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I am naked and annoyed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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